Crisis help

Talking with the school and asking for supports

The family is the bridge between the teen and the school. How to ask for specific accommodations and be careful about what you share.

2 min read

The family's role isn't to protect your teen from every challenge. It's to make sure the school has the information it needs to support them well. A fair accommodation is not a privilege: it's a way in for them.

Myths and facts

Myth

"The school should handle it on its own."

Fact

When what's happening affects daily life, the family and the school need to coordinate.

Myth

"Better not to talk to the school, so we don't expose them."

Fact

Talking with the school can protect them, if it's done with care.

Myth

"Accommodations are special treatment."

Fact

A fair accommodation lets them do the same thing as everyone else by a different route.

Myth

"First they have to change their attitude."

Fact

Attitude usually improves when the overload goes down.

Try this: the meeting with the school

  1. 1Ask for a meeting to talk about supports, not to find someone to blame.
  2. 2Ask what difficulties they see and when.
  3. 3Share what you observe at home. Bring your notes.
  4. 4Agree on two specific accommodations to try.
  5. 5Set a date to see whether they helped.

Accommodations you can ask for

  • More time on some assignments or tests.
  • Instructions in writing, or broken into steps.
  • A place with less stimulation, or the option of taking a break.
  • A designated adult they can go to.

Being careful about what you share

  • If there is a diagnosis, share it with the school with your teen's agreement.
  • Share what the school needs in order to support your teen, no more.
  • Help them, little by little, become the one who asks for what they need.
How to say it

Instead of

"The school says you don't pay attention."

Try

"The school is seeing some difficulties, and we want to think about what supports could help you."

Instead of

"We don't talk about this at school."

Try

"We can ask for specific supports without sharing more than we need to."

Instead of

"Just do it like everyone else."

Try

"Let's find a way for you to do it without shutting down."

What doesn't help

  • Doing everything for them, so they don't build tools of their own.
  • Asking the school to solve everything, without taking part.
  • Downplaying the difficulties with the school so that "they won't be treated differently."

A question to take with you

What are you afraid will happen if the school knows what's hard for them?

Signs to get help right away

Whatever your situation, it's best to talk to a professional right away if:

  • They hurt themselves on purpose, or talk about dying or not wanting to go on.
  • They have frequent crises, with loss of control or a risk of hurting themselves or others.
  • They strongly refuse to go to school, or can no longer keep up basic routines: sleeping, eating, hygiene.
  • They are very isolated, or extremely exhausted.
  • At home, the adults' exhaustion is leading to yelling, threats or extreme punishments.

Also if the school and the family can't manage to coordinate in the face of an obvious decline.

If there is immediate risk, go to an emergency room or call your local emergency number.

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