Understanding differences without reducing your teen to a label
What the word means, and how to support a different way of processing without turning every difference into a problem.
2 min read
What the word means
Neurodivergence is a broad term for ways of paying attention, feeling, learning, getting organized or relating to others that are different from the most common ones. It is often used to talk about diagnoses such as ADHD, autism, dyslexia and other learning disabilities, and also about giftedness. It is not a diagnosis in itself.
Supporting your teen doesn't mean finding a name for everything. It means building an environment that is more predictable, more respectful and more flexible, where your teen doesn't have to spend all their energy on being like everyone else.
Myths and facts
Myth
"If there's no diagnosis, there's nothing to adjust."
Fact
Adjustments can help even if there isn't a diagnosis yet.
Myth
"Supporting their differences is coddling them, or lowering expectations."
Fact
It isn't taking away responsibility. It's adjusting how you ask and how you follow through.
Myth
"If they could do it once, they can always do it."
Fact
What they can do changes with their energy, the setting, stress and how much they have been carrying.
Myth
"You can tell these things from the outside."
Fact
Many difficulties are masked, with a lot of effort, and don't show.
Myth
"The label explains everything that's going on with them."
Fact
A diagnosis can give direction. It doesn't replace listening to each person.
How to say it
Instead of
"You could if you wanted to."
Try
"I want to understand which part is hard for you and what kind of help would actually be useful."
Instead of
"You always overreact."
Try
"Maybe this feels more intense for you. Let's look at what makes it hard."
Instead of
"Don't use that as an excuse."
Try
"We can recognize that this is hard for you and also figure out how to support you better with it."
Instead of
"There's nothing wrong with you, you're just distracted."
Try
"I see that some things with attention or organization keep coming up. We can look at them more carefully."
Try this: the support map
- 1Identify three situations that tend to overload them.
- 2Note what helps in each one: a heads-up beforehand, breaks, quiet, clear instructions, company or less stimulation.
- 3Choose one small adjustment to try for a week.
- 4Ask them whether that adjustment works for them or not.
Try this: from behavior to need
- 1Choose a behavior that leads to conflict.
- 2Ask yourself what need might be behind it: rest, clarity, time, calm or help.
- 3Don't respond only with a scolding or a punishment.
- 4See whether the conflict eases when the situation changes.
A question to take with you
How much energy do you think it takes your teen to be like everyone else?