What protects most: an adult who sees and listens
It isn't having no problems. It's knowing they have at least one adult who sees them, listens to them, and doesn't judge them.
2 min read
What protects a teen most emotionally isn't having no problems. It's knowing they have at least one adult who sees them, listens to them, and doesn't judge them. That steady presence, one that isn't there to ask anything of them, is one of the things that protects most against distress.
Myths and facts
Myth
"If they're doing fine, there's nothing to do."
Fact
Well-being is something you build and take care of. It's not just the absence of problems.
Myth
"That's just how teenagers are, intense."
Fact
Emotional intensity is expected. It doesn't mean they don't need someone there with them.
Myth
"If I ask how they're doing, they'll get worried."
Fact
Asking how they're doing shows interest, not alarm.
Myth
"As long as they're going to school and have friends, they're fine."
Fact
What you see from the outside doesn't always reflect what's going on inside.
Myth
"Having bad days means something is wrong."
Fact
Changes in mood are part of life. Not all distress is a warning sign.
How to say it
Instead of
"If you're fine, there's nothing to talk about."
Try
"Even if you seem better today, I care about how you've been feeling."
Instead of
"Only come to me if things are really bad."
Try
"Things don't have to be really bad for us to talk."
Instead of
"You have to be okay."
Try
"I don't need you to be okay all the time for me to be here for you."
Instead of
"As long as you keep up with everything, it's all good."
Try
"I care about how you feel, not just what you do."
Phrases that bring you closer
- "How are you, really?"
- "Is something weighing on you?"
- "You don't have to have it all together all the time."
- "If you ever feel like something isn't right, I want you to know you can tell me."
Try this as a family: one word a week
Once a week, at a calm moment, each person says one word that describes how they've been. No analysis, no advice. Just naming it.
Follow-up, week by week
Week
1
Suggested action
Start with the word of the week
Week
2
Suggested action
Talk about your own emotions in the first person: "today I was feeling..."
Week
3
Suggested action
Ask them a question about what they think or feel, not about what they do
Week
4
Suggested action
See if there's a little more openness
A question to take with you
When was the last time your teen told you something without you asking?