Signs that a limit needs revisiting

Not every limit we set is a good limit. Before insisting on one that isn't working, it's worth asking whether the problem is the limit itself.

Signs that it needs revisiting

• It always gets broken, no matter the consequences.
• It causes conflict every time it comes up.
• It was set a long time ago and your teen has grown.
• You set it without an explanation and without their input.
• The consequence attached to it is never applied, or doesn't make sense.

Questions to ask yourself before revisiting it

1. 1Does this limit have a clear reason that I can explain?
2. 2Is it reasonable for their age and maturity?
3. 3Did I set it calmly or in a moment of anger?
4. 4Does my teen know exactly what the limit is and what the consequence is?
5. 5Am I consistent in applying it?

Phrases to start revisiting it

• "I've realized this agreement isn't working for either of us. Can we revisit it?"
• "I want to ask you something: do you understand why we made this rule? Does it seem reasonable to you?"
• "I still think this matters, but maybe the way we set it up needs an adjustment."

For this week

Take the limit that causes the most conflict in your home right now and ask yourself the five questions. If you answered "no" to two or more, that limit probably needs revisiting before you keep insisting on it.