Crisis help

When there is intense suffering, rejection or risk

Identity is not an emergency. The emergency is the suffering, the risk, the violence or the isolation.

3 min read

Finding this hard doesn't make you a bad father or a bad mother. What makes the difference isn't having no doubts or fears, but what you do with them when your teen needs you.

When there is intense suffering, the central issue is no longer opinions about identity. It is that the family's response can protect or can make things worse. Rejection, mockery, imposed silence, the threat of kicking them out, or pressure all increase the risk. The relationship is what protects.

What doesn't help

  • Ignoring or minimizing something important about who they are.
  • Trying to "correct" or "cure" what is part of who they are.
  • Turning the topic into a constant battle.
  • Recruiting allies in the family to pressure them.

What can help

  1. 1Finding a space for yourself. Before you can support your teen, you need to think through what you are going through: with a professional, with a group, with someone you trust.
  2. 2Keeping the relationship open, even if you don't understand or agree with everything.
  3. 3A single sentence they can hold on to: "I don't understand everything you're going through. But I love you, and that doesn't change."
  4. 4Getting professional support for both of you.

If your teen talks about hurting themselves or not wanting to live

  • Take it seriously, even if they say it in passing, as a joke or in a moment of anger.

  • Ask directly and calmly: "Are you thinking about hurting yourself?" Asking does not put the idea in their head. It may be what lets them ask for help.

  • Listen to the answer without scolding or arguing. "Thank you for telling me. You won't go through this alone."

  • If they say yes, or you can't tell: stay close and don't leave them alone. Put medications and anything they could use to hurt themselves out of reach. And get help today.

Where to get help today: a hospital emergency room, your local emergency number or a crisis line.

Crisis help

If there is a crisis

  1. 1Don't leave them alone if they have hurt themselves, if they talk about dying, or if they are in a very intense crisis.
  2. 2Avoid yelling, interrogating and punishing in that moment.
  3. 3Safety comes before explanations: they don't need to be able to explain everything right now.
  4. 4Get professional help, or go to the emergency room if the risk is immediate.
  5. 5Once the moment has passed, don't let things go back to silence.
Myths and facts

Myth

"If I agree to talk, I'm endorsing everything."

Fact

Talking doesn't mean you stop thinking. It means not abandoning them.

Myth

"They're doing it for attention."

Fact

Asking for attention can also be asking for help.

Myth

"My authority depends on imposing my view."

Fact

Authority that protects doesn't need to humiliate.

Myth

"We handle this within the family."

Fact

Some situations need a network, of professionals and of people you trust.

Myth

"Once the crisis dies down, it's over."

Fact

After a crisis, the support needs to continue.

How to say it

Instead of

"I'm not going to let you be like this."

Try

"It may be hard for me to understand, but I won't stop taking care of you."

Instead of

"You're ruining the family."

Try

"This is hard for everyone, but right now what matters most is that you're safe and that you're okay."

Instead of

"You have to change to be okay."

Try

"I don't want to erase you. I want to help so you don't go through this alone."

Instead of

"Don't tell anyone."

Try

"We're going to protect your privacy, and also bring in help that's safe."

Instead of

"I can't accept this."

Try

"I need to work on what's going on with me, so I don't respond to you with rejection."

Try this on your own

  1. 1Look at whether there has been yelling, mocking, threats, extreme punishments or long silences.
  2. 2Ask yourself how that may have come across to them.
  3. 3Apologize if harm was done. You can do that and still be the adult.
  4. 4Change the goal: to protect, not to win an argument.

A question to take with you

What do they need to hear from you today, even if you don't understand everything yet?

Signs to get help right away

It's best to talk to a professional right away if:

  • They hurt themselves on purpose, or talk about dying or not wanting to go on.
  • They intensely reject themselves or their body, or feel a shame that paralyzes them.
  • They have withdrawn from almost everything, or dropped activities they used to keep up.
  • They are facing bullying, discrimination or violence, at school or anywhere else.
  • At home there is humiliation, punishment or threats to kick them out for being the way they are.
  • They hide important parts of who they are out of fear of how people will react.

Also if the adults at home feel they can't support their teen without the conflict escalating.

If there is immediate risk, go to an emergency room or call your local emergency number.

Back to the resources

Only the resource is shared. Never your answers or your reading.