Staying close to their social life without intruding
Too much control pushes them to hide things. Too much distance leaves them exposed. How to stay close without smothering.
2 min read
Teens need the adults in their lives to be present without being intrusive. The point is to be available: close, without smothering.
Myths and facts
Myth
"I have to know all of their friends."
Fact
Knowing their social world doesn't call for controlling it. It calls for genuine interest.
Myth
"Their friendships are shallow, not like friendships used to be."
Fact
Teen relationships run as deep as adult ones. What changed is the form, not how much they matter.
Myth
"If they have few friends, something is wrong."
Fact
Some teens prefer a few deep relationships. It's not a sign of a problem.
Myth
"I have to fix their conflicts with friends."
Fact
Your role is to be there and listen. Solving it for them takes away their chance to learn.
Myth
"If they have friends and go out, everything is fine."
Fact
Having relationships isn't enough: what matters is how they experience them and how those relationships leave them feeling.
How to say it
Instead of
"I don't like that friend of yours. They're not a good influence."
Try
"What's your friendship with them like? What do you like about being with that person?"
Instead of
"Why don't you go out more? Don't you have any friends?"
Try
"How are your friends doing? What have they been up to?"
Instead of
"If I were you, I would have done something different."
Try
"How did it go? How did you feel?"
Instead of
"As long as you have people to hang out with, everything's fine."
Try
"I care about who you're with, but I also care about how you feel around them."
Try this: one question a week
Once a week, at a calm moment, ask just one question about their social life. Not an interrogation: one question. Listen. Don't give advice unless they ask for it.
Follow-up, week by week
Week
1
Suggested action
Observe their social life without stepping in
Week
2
Suggested action
Start with the weekly question
Week
3
Suggested action
Show interest in a person or an activity they've mentioned
Week
4
Suggested action
Notice whether they talk a little more about their relationships on their own
A question to take with you
What place did your friends have in your life when you were their age, and what was said about them at home?