How to talk when something worries you
What to say, what to avoid and what to expect from a first conversation about food and the body.
2 min read
Talking about this is scary: you might make things worse, they might get angry, you might get the words wrong. Silence doesn't protect anyone. An imperfect conversation that comes from caring is worth more than waiting for the ideal moment.
Before you talk
- Pick a calm moment, away from meals.
- One on one, without siblings or anyone else around.
- Be clear about what you've seen: two or three specific facts.
- Be prepared for them to deny it or get angry. That's the most common reaction.
How to say it
- 1Talk about what you've seen and what you feel, not about their body: "I've noticed you seem different at meals, and I'm worried."
- 2Don't mention pounds, sizes or amounts.
- 3Ask how they're doing, beyond food.
- 4Listen without correcting and without offering solutions right away.
- 5Say what's going to happen: "I want us to make an appointment. I'll go with you."
"I'm not accusing you of anything. I can see you're having a hard time, and I don't want you to be alone with it. We're going to get help together."
What doesn't help
- Monitoring every bite or checking the bathroom.
- Weighing your teen at home.
- Bargaining with rewards or threats: "If you eat, I'll let you go out."
- Debating nutrition with them.
- Telling them they look good, or that they look bad.
- Asking them to do it for you: "Do it for me."
How to say it
Instead of
"You're way too thin, look at yourself."
Try
"I'm worried about how you seem to be feeling, and that you hardly eat with us."
Instead of
"You have to eat, and that's final."
Try
"I know this is hard for you. We're not going to solve it by fighting at the table. We're going to get help."
Instead of
"Did you throw up? Tell me the truth."
Try
"If something's going on after you eat, I want us to be able to talk about it. I won't get mad."
Instead of
"With everything you have, why are you doing this?"
Try
"I don't fully understand what's going on with you, and I want to understand."
Instead of
"It's a phase, you'll get over it."
Try
"I'm taking this seriously."
If they deny it
When they say "Nothing's wrong," that doesn't close the subject. You can ask for the appointment even if they don't agree, and say so without a fight: "It may be nothing. I'd rather have a doctor see you so we can put our minds at ease."
With siblings
Siblings see what's happening and often stay silent. Tell them something simple and true: that their brother or sister is going through something hard, that the adults are taking care of it, and that it's not their job to keep watch or to persuade.
A question to take with you
What are you most afraid of hearing if you ask them how they're doing?