Crisis help

How to talk about school without it turning into a conflict

The phrases that most shut things down and the ones that most open things up when the subject is school.

2 min read

What shuts things down

  • "What grade did you get?" as the first question when they walk in.
  • "If you keep this up, you're not going to get anywhere."
  • "When I was your age, I actually studied."
  • "When are you going to grow up?"
  • "Look at how your classmate is doing."

What opens things up

  • "How was your day?"
  • "Is anything about school worrying you?"
  • "What do you need from me to do better in that class?"
  • "What's the atmosphere like in class?"
  • "Is there a teacher you get along with?"
How to say it

Instead of

"You're not doing enough."

Try

"I want to understand which part of school is getting harder."

Instead of

"You just need to study more."

Try

"Let's see whether the problem is the studying, getting organized, being tired, the pressure or something else."

Instead of

"Don't make excuses."

Try

"I want to sort out what's your responsibility and what's a real difficulty that needs support."

Instead of

"I'm disappointed in you."

Try

"This worries me, and I want to support you through it without it turning into nothing but criticism."

A question to take with you

What's the first question you ask them when they get home from school?

Signs to get help right away

It's best to talk to a professional right away if:

  • They've stopped going to school, or every morning is a battle to get them there.
  • School causes them intense distress, crises or freezing up.
  • The drop at school comes along with isolation, intense sadness or substance use.
  • There are signs they're being bullied at school.
  • They can't manage even the most basic organization.
  • Every conversation about school ends in a damaging fight.

If, along with the school issues, you notice sadness, hopelessness or isolation, also take a look at the Mood and emotions topic.

You don't have to wait for the problem to get bigger to ask for help.

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