When I feel communication is lost: where to start
Feeling that it's lost doesn't mean it's lost for good. A starting point, and how to ask for help.
3 min read
Missing your child while living in the same house is a pain that's hard to explain. It isn't total silence: it's that conversations no longer have depth, that contact has become tense or purely practical, that you feel they live in a world you no longer have access to.
That pain is a sign that the relationship matters to you. And distance isn't the end of the relationship: a relationship can be badly damaged and still recover. Your teen is suffering from this distance too, even if they don't show it.
What doesn't help at this point
- Insisting on long conversations when trust is low.
- Asking them to explain the distance.
- Comparing the present with "how we used to be."
- Responding to silence with anger.
What can help
- 1Lower the pressure. Strange as it may seem, the first step is to stop trying to communicate "deeply." For a while, just a calm presence.
- 2Find a small point of contact. Something you still share, however small: a show, a meal, a ride somewhere. Start there, without pretending it's more than it is.
- 3Say what you feel, just once. "I know we've grown distant. I miss being closer to you. You don't have to say anything back. I just wanted you to know." Said once, calmly. Not repeated.
- 4Get professional support. Not because it can't be fixed, but because what created the distance is very hard to see and to change from the inside.
Myths and facts
Myth
"If I try harder, it will get better."
Fact
Effort without a different way of approaching them can increase the pressure.
Myth
"There's nothing left to do."
Fact
That's not true. But you do need different tools from the ones you've already used.
Myth
"It's my fault."
Fact
The distance is the result of something that happens among several people, not of one person alone.
Myth
"If I go for help by myself, it's no use."
Fact
Working on your own way of communicating changes what happens in the family.
Try this on your own, before anything else
- 1When was the last time we had an exchange without tension, even a small one?
- 2What did I do that may have contributed to the distance?
- 3What would need to change in the way I approach them?
This isn't about blaming yourself. It's about getting clearer before you act.
What kind of support can help
Type
Family therapy
What it's for
Works on the way everyone talks and listens to each other
Type
A space of their own for your teen
What it's for
A place where they can talk without the adult present
Type
Parent guidance
What it's for
For the adult who wants to work on their own part, even if the teen isn't taking part yet
How to bring it up
How to say it
Instead of
"We're going to a therapist because we can't communicate."
Try
"I want you to have a space to talk about whatever you want with someone who isn't me. Without me finding out what you say, if you don't want me to."
The second one offers them autonomy and privacy, two things a teen values a great deal.
One step for today
Don't try to have an important conversation today. Find a moment to be close, with no expectations: a meal, watching something together. And if you feel you can't do this on your own anymore, look for a professional this week.
A question to take with you
What do you miss about the way the two of you used to talk?