Phrases that bring you closer and phrases that push you apart
What you say matters less than the atmosphere created by how you say it. The phrases that open things up the most and shut them down the most, and why.
2 min read
The ones that push you apart the most
Phrase
"It wasn't like this in my day."
What it does
Compares their experience with one they never knew. Shuts things down right away.
Phrase
"It's not that big a deal."
What it does
Minimizes what they feel. Even if it's true, they learn not to tell you.
Phrase
"I told you so."
What it does
Turns a chance to get closer into proof that you were right.
Phrase
"So what did your friends say?" before you've listened
What it does
Shifts the focus before they've had a chance to say their piece.
Phrase
"Don't worry, it'll pass."
What it does
Well-intentioned, but it cancels out the emotion before acknowledging it.
The ones that bring you closer the most
Phrase
"Tell me more."
What it does
Simple and open. Invites without pressuring.
Phrase
"That sounds hard. How are you holding up?"
What it does
Acknowledges before asking.
Phrase
"I don't have to understand everything to be on your side."
What it does
Tells them your support doesn't depend on them explaining it well.
Phrase
"What do you need from me right now: for me to listen, or to help you think it through?"
What it does
Puts them in charge of the conversation.
Phrase
"Thank you for telling me."
What it does
Shows them that telling you matters.
For this week
Each time you notice you're about to say one of the phrases that push you apart, stop and swap it for one that brings you closer. It doesn't have to come out perfect. Just different.
A question to take with you
Of the phrases that push you apart, which one did you hear in the home you grew up in?