Conversations that connect: how to keep talking during the teen years
What changes in communication during this stage, and what helps keep it alive.
2 min read
When they were little, they told you everything. Now there are silences, one-word answers and closed doors. That doesn't mean something is wrong. It means they're growing up. A teen needs to build a world of their own, and that takes privacy. The challenge for adults is to stay present without intruding.
Myths and facts
Myth
"If they don't tell me anything, it means they don't trust me."
Fact
Teens keep their worlds separate. Not telling you everything is part of growing up, not a sign of distrust.
Myth
"I have to know everything that's going on with them."
Fact
Respecting their privacy is part of supporting them well. Not everything needs to be shared.
Myth
"If I ask too many questions, I'll overwhelm them."
Fact
It's not so much how much you ask as how you ask. Open-ended questions asked without judgment open things up more than an interrogation.
Myth
"We'll talk when they're an adult."
Fact
The relationship is built now.
Myth
"Good communication means never arguing."
Fact
Good communication includes disagreements too. What matters is being able to talk again afterward.
How to say it
Instead of
"Why don't you ever tell me anything?"
Try
"It makes me happy when we talk. How was your day?"
Instead of
"That didn't happen in my day."
Try
"I get that things are different for you. Tell me more."
Instead of
"Who are you hanging out with? I don't like those people."
Try
"What are your friends like? I'd like to get to know them better."
Instead of
"That's nothing to worry about."
Try
"I can see that affected you. Do you want to tell me more?"
Instead of
"You should be able to talk to me about anything."
Try
"I want to keep being someone you can come back and talk to whenever you need to."
Try this as a family: ten minutes a day
- 1Pick a set time: dinner, right after school or before bed. No screens.
- 2For ten minutes, each person shares one thing that happened to them that day. No judgment, and no advice unless it's asked for.
- 3The adult's only job is to listen and ask one question out of real interest.
- 4After two weeks, look together at whether anything has changed.
It doesn't matter if some days are hard. What builds the habit is consistency.
Follow-up, week by week
Week
1
Suggested action
Identify the time of day when conversation flows best
Week
2
Suggested action
Start the ten minutes a day
Week
3
Suggested action
Add one open-ended question a day
Week
4
Suggested action
Look at whether there were more spontaneous exchanges
A question to take with you
What do their silences bring up in you?