Crisis help

When screens are already affecting their life

Use that gets out of hand is almost always a response to something. What to do when the impact is already serious.

2 min read

Problematic technology use almost always has a cause that runs deeper than the technology itself. Screens are usually the response to something: anxiety, loneliness, boredom, pain. Focusing only on the phone, without looking at that, isn't enough.

When the use is a problem

  • It affects sleep on an ongoing basis.
  • It replaces essential activities and offline relationships.
  • It sets off very intense reactions when it is interrupted.
  • They are actively hiding what happens online.
  • Their overall emotional state has deteriorated.

What doesn't help

  • Taking the phone away with no explanation or process.
  • Setting up technical blocks without a conversation.
  • Bringing it up in the middle of a fight.
  • Blaming the device without asking yourself about the causes.

What can help

  1. 1Understand before you act. When do they use it most? What are they avoiding when they go online? What happens when they can't?
  2. 2A conversation that isn't looking for an outcome. "I notice you're online a lot. I'm not getting on your case. I want to understand what you get out of it."
  3. 3Look for what's missing away from screens. Is there something they need and aren't finding anywhere else?
  4. 4Seek professional support. Not as a punishment or as a sign of failure.
Myths and facts

Myth

"If I take the phone away, it'll pass."

Fact

If the cause isn't addressed, the problem moves on to something else.

Myth

"It's an addiction, they need a detox."

Fact

Problematic use isn't always an addiction. There may be anxiety, sadness or loneliness behind it.

Myth

"Social media is to blame."

Fact

Social media amplifies what's already there. The work is with what's already there.

Myth

"As long as they're at home, there isn't that much risk."

Fact

At home, too, there can be exposure to harm and isolation.

How to say it

Instead of

"I'm taking everything away, and that's that."

Try

"We can't handle this the same way anymore, and we need a different way to approach it."

Instead of

"You're seeing a therapist because you're addicted to your phone."

Try

"I want you to have a place to talk about how you're doing. It's not about the phone. It's because I care about how you feel."

To get your bearings

  1. 1Decide what is most urgent to protect today: sleep, safety, life at home or school.
  2. 2Don't try to solve everything at once.
  3. 3Pick one priority and one concrete step.
  4. 4Stop repeating the arguments that no longer go anywhere.

One step for this week

Ask them to show you something they do online. No other agenda. Just interest.

A question to take with you

What are they finding there that they aren't finding anywhere else?

Signs to get help right away

It's best to talk to a professional right away if:

  • Nighttime use is costing them sleep on an ongoing basis.
  • They have cut themselves off from almost all their offline relationships.
  • There is aggression or a very intense outburst when you try to limit their use.
  • They stopped going to school, or dropped activities they once kept up.
  • There are signs that they saw something that disturbed them, that an adult is contacting them inappropriately, or that someone is pressuring them, threatening them or asking them for images.
  • They are betting money online or spending without being able to stop.

If someone is threatening them or asking them for images, don't delete the messages: save screenshots and get help. The fact that they told you is what matters most. Don't punish them for it.

You don't have to wait for the problem to get bigger to ask for help.

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